Countdown To Freedom

I have been so very depressed the past week. I suspect it has to do with not eating properly, slow sales this month, lack of sleep, and a general feeling of being overwhelmed.

I stewed for a loooong time last night. I sat in bed watching him sleep, and getting angrier and angrier. I was annoyed with myself for allowing this to happen. I was angry that I did not stop him when he first came back. I was angry that I did not wake him and kick him out.

This morning, I felt him reaching for me. I knew he wanted to cuddle. I just couldn't. I couldn't do it. He was angry and hurt. He tried to just leave and come back later (when I was in a better mood) but I wouldn't let him leave it like that. I knew I needed to just have it out. So, I ended it.

So, I let him back in. I didn't mean to. I texted him to tell him that a letter came to the house and he needed to change his address. I suppose on some level I knew he would take it as an invitation. It had been long enough that he probably would be looking for a way back. Maybe I was just horny. Maybe a part of me missed him. I will admit that I did miss him. Now, though, he is BACK.


I should have known I could not keep it light and easy. Not enough time has passed. We haven't had the time to try out others. We couldn't look back with rosy glasses, just yet. Nope, we went from having nothing to do with each other for a month, to him essentially taking over again.

The problem is, I have been apart from him long enough to enjoy my freedom. I have enjoyed a new level of creativity and productivity. Spared the incessant drama and complaints, I have gotten A LOT done. It's felt great.

Dear daughter, I am so proud of the young lady that you are becoming. You are beautiful, fierce, strong, intelligent, and loving. You have the tools that you need to take on the world, and change it as you'd like. It has been fascinating watching my little mini-me grow and develop.

1. Smile: Your emotions follow your body. Smile even if it hurts. It will not only change how you feel, it will make others respond positively to you.

2. Forgive: This is for you, not for them. Carrying anger will eat you up inside. Do not harbor the energetic baggage it takes to hold a grudge.

Having recently emerged from a dual, deep cover, 10 year operation, I am evaluating my wounds.

I have discovered that I have softened a bit. My last target was certainly a volatile subject. I was constantly on guard, due to his changeable moods, but I see now that he was working on me as well. I find that I enjoyed having him around. He was always very helpful, and the sex was incredible.

As I am doing a post-mortem on my operation, I have found that my early forays back to the dating battlefront have left me a bit shaken. I realized that I may have lost my edge.

I decided that I would clean up my diet last weekend. I had been so busy at work, that I was calling out for Chinese food daily, then going out for cocktails in the evening. I was feeling bad, not sleeping well, and generally, just needed to rein it in a bit. So, Sunday, I went grocery shopping, bought lots of fruits and veggies, and looked up some Paleo recipes (see I Refuse To Burnout).

I love being a business owner. Once upon a time, I was working for a good company. I had benefits, health insurance, even a retirement plan. What I didn't have was freedom to determine my own path. I couldn't implement the many changes that I saw needed to be changed. I could work (or not work) and my hours and pay would stay the same. Once a year, I would have an annual review where I could possibly get anywhere from a 1-3% increase. All that changed when my boss, who was actually a wonderful mentor, told me the only way to break out into the next level of my stagnant career was to go into sales.

I have been exhausted for several weeks now. In truth, it has been more like months.
This Spring, I had expanded my business. For the first two years of my business, I was working against growing constraints. I toiled away making money and feeling successful, while also needing more space. Finally, the day came, and I made it happen. 

For a long time, I have been convinced that it was a good thing. Sadly, though, I have been working through the growing pains of that expansion.  I applied my sales and marketing background to my massage business, without considering that I am not Superwoman. My work days have grown longer, my overhead has increased dramatically, and business has slowed for the Summer. All of this has contributed to the impending burn-out that I am facing now. I admit, there have been times that I have considering running away from home. There is that small voice that creeps in from time to time, when my shoulder aches, and my bills are mounting, and I'm not sure j…

The last poem that I wrote was when I was in college. I was a prolific writer when I was young. Everyone knew that was the path for me. I remember living with my dad in the FL Keys, and carrying my notebook with me everywhere. I was constantly writing. I would have phrases pop in my head, and I would not be able to do anything else until I wrote it all down. The poetry would flow through me effortlessly.

This continued through my high school years. Say what you will about the drama of puberty, but it was incredible for my writing. My writing continued even through my first marriage. I didn't work, so I had time for my thoughts. Even after my first child, I would write, though it was less frequent. There was no sudden ending. It just happened that I got busy with life.

I have devoted much thought to my relationships, lately. I have just ended a 4 year relationship with the man who immediately followed my ex-husband. I have been thinking about how, for my adult life, I have been a serial monogamist. I would follow one serious relationship with another, with barely much time for reflection, let alone healing.

A girlfriend once told me that the best way to get over one man was under another. I found that to be quite brilliant, and certainly quite apropos to my credo back then. Many times, I pursued a relationship for pragmatic purposes. I was raising my children, and having a partner to assist with the house, finances and childcare was certainly helpful. I also found that I was far too busy with the business of living to spend much time considering the patterns that I had developed.

Prescription Drugs Used To Treat Diabetes Can Cause Severe Joint Pain, FDA Warns
DAILY HEALTH POST, SEPTEMBER 8, 2015

The US Food and Drug Administration has issued a warning that a certain class of diabetes drugs may cause severe and debilitating joint pain.

Read more: FDA Warns Of Health Risks For Diabetes Drugs

4198 emails...Yes, 4198 emails that have been sitting in my inbox. Everyday, when I look at the latest emails, I glance over the bold, black letters denoting a new email, and click only on the ones that are pertinent at this moment...clients, appointments, family. All newsletters are looked over. I'll occasionally read through the latest News emails like The Guardian or New York Times.

We said goodbye today. It felt final this time.

A relationship rarely ends with a grand gesture. Usually it is a death by a thousand paper cuts.

It is the "helpful" critique of the meal that you cooked for them. It is the bored look they give you when you are telling a them a story. It is the compliment never given or received. It is the admiring glances given to strangers that you think are discreet.

It is every time that you asked for help, and it was not forthcoming.


I mourned our relationship when we split the first three times. My heart was in pieces when he left. But with every argument that ended with him moving out, a piece of me cared less and less. I know that it was his way of trying to gain the upper hand and get his way, but games like that no longer work with me.

After chatting briefly with my Dad yesterday, I confirmed that I will be going to pick up my RV this weekend! I am so excited! I have so many ideas for the place! My boyfriend and I are busy firming up the logistics of the trip, but the upshot is, the day has finally come!