I Just Want to Feel Something! Meditations on Writing and Pain

Image result for emotional pain
The last poem that I wrote was when I was in college. I was a prolific writer when I was young. Everyone knew that was the path for me. I remember living with my dad in the FL Keys, and carrying my notebook with me everywhere. I was constantly writing. I would have phrases pop in my head, and I would not be able to do anything else until I wrote it all down. The poetry would flow through me effortlessly.

This continued through my high school years. Say what you will about the drama of puberty, but it was incredible for my writing. My writing continued even through my first marriage. I didn't work, so I had time for my thoughts. Even after my first child, I would write, though it was less frequent. There was no sudden ending. It just happened that I got busy with life.



I suppose part of growing up in building the defenses to help you function. I remember the first time my heart was broken, my chest felt as though I had been stabbed. My God, even now, I can remember thinking that I would never recover. The wonderful thing is, though, that you do survive. As my family is so fond of saying, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Indeed, each laceration built up scar tissue, so instead of a psychic mortal blow, it is more like an unpleasant stomach ache. I almost long for a soul-wrenching cry sometimes, rather than a muted response. At least then, the energy is released. Instead, I built up my walls, and lost my writing.

Curiously, I have been meditating on pain and the inability of so many to be in touch with their pain, process it, and release it. Many people that I come across turn to self-medication through drugs (both pharmacological and illicit) and alcohol. I would also include sex, shopping, gambling, and eating. I admit, at times, I have turned to this myself. We, as a society, have tried to anesthetize ourselves from any strong feelings whatsoever. I argue, though, that it is only by feeling, that we can ever grow.

I once heard that the psychologists believed that depression was the result of a distorted view of reality. It is now believed that depression is the result of seeing life as it actually is, and being unable to trick yourself into being ok with it. As an optimist, myself, I suppose this means that I am the most self-delusional. It makes sense when you consider that greatest authors and artists in the world, were also the most tortured.

A happy consequence of detaching and looking inward is a re-connection with my feelings, and the return of my muse. I am blessed to come from a long line of very sensitive and artistic people. This sensitivity can assist me in making deep connections with people, and having a clarity of insight that borders on precognition at times. As with all blessings, though, it does come at a price. The price is pain.

So, here I sit on a Saturday night with my sweet pup at my feet. The house is silent. I hear distant rumblings of thunder, the soft hum of the ceiling fan, the clicking of the keyboard as I type. I love the quiet. I am soothed and comforted by the lack of human engagement right now. I realize that this is what I have been seeking for so long: peace and quiet, and the return of my writing.

Click Here for Related Stories



Easy 7 Day Keto Meal Plan: 
Simple Ingredients, Limited Prep, and No Baking 
eBook $2.99 on Amazon http://amzn.to/2tk7bcW

What can I eat on the Keto Diet? Is my favorite food ok? Will I have to buy weird ingredients? This book is meant to give you a very brief overview of the Keto Diet, the process that happens to your body, and a week's worth of simple meal plans to get your started. Each meal plan is chosen for its simplicity, limited preparation, and no baking!




Lose 25 Pounds in a Month
My Journey on the Keto Diet & Road Map for You 
eBook $3.99 & Paperback $5.99 on Amazon http://amzn.to/2saAOxw

You are ready to transform your body into the person you always knew you could be. You are done with excuses, and are ready to start your weight loss journey. You are ready to take control and you are grabbing the tools for your metamorphosis. Come! Learn! Lose up to 25 pounds in a month using the Keto Diet.


How To Massage Your Lover: 
Create greater intimacy and deeper bonds with your Spouse, Lover, or Partner with the loving touch of massage.
eBook $4.50 & Paperback $8.99 on Amazon http://amzn.to/2reYhZZ

Create deeper intimacy and bonding between you and your partner through the loving touch of massage. You will learn how to perform an hour long, full body massage just like the professionals.

Follow Me On Instagram

MyFitnessPal

Shop on Amazon