How do you trust your emotions?

How do you trust your emotions? How do you know what to do when you know that your feelings will change with every encounter, every moon phase, every experience?

I "know" what I want from life, but then "life" happens! I have a vision of what I want in my life, but I feel myself pulled in multiple directions.

I feel like I want to purge all of the material trappings of my life and travel the world. I feel like I want a very monastic life, free to study and learn the mysteries of life. Then, my girlfriends suggest we go out for a night on the town, and my monastic existence is perhaps a bit more of a bacchanalian experience. Afterwards, I recuperate with my lover, and listen to his honeyed promises that sound so, so sweet. He pulls me in with his kisses and doting love, then I fight back to escape before I am consumed. I am angry that I would be expected to forgo freedom for love, yet I often allow my freedom to run to excess.

I know meditation. I know prayer. I know hormones. I know Tarot. I know Astrology. I even know the freaking moon phase, and how that plays with my emotions. How does one land upon a direct course of action? How do I decide if I should envelope myself in the love of my man? Or do I decide to embrace my friends and revel in my singledom? Do I try to straddle both worlds? If I embrace any one world, am I, by definition, turning away from others?

I try to follow signs. I try to go with my intuition. Most times, it is with deadly accuracy. I rarely am paralyzed by indecision or regret. With these choices, though, I am bereft. Why do these choices need to be mutually exclusive? How do I find integration? I am desperately waiting for a sign...

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