I "know" what I want from life, but then "life" happens! I have a vision of what I want in my life, but I feel myself pulled in multiple directions.
I feel like I want to purge all of the material trappings of my life and travel the world. I feel like I want a very monastic life, free to study and learn the mysteries of life. Then, my girlfriends suggest we go out for a night on the town, and my monastic existence is perhaps a bit more of a bacchanalian experience. Afterwards, I recuperate with my lover, and listen to his honeyed promises that sound so, so sweet. He pulls me in with his kisses and doting love, then I fight back to escape before I am consumed. I am angry that I would be expected to forgo freedom for love, yet I often allow my freedom to run to excess.
I know meditation. I know prayer. I know hormones. I know Tarot. I know Astrology. I even know the freaking moon phase, and how that plays with my emotions. How does one land upon a direct course of action? How do I decide if I should envelope myself in the love of my man? Or do I decide to embrace my friends and revel in my singledom? Do I try to straddle both worlds? If I embrace any one world, am I, by definition, turning away from others?
I try to follow signs. I try to go with my intuition. Most times, it is with deadly accuracy. I rarely am paralyzed by indecision or regret. With these choices, though, I am bereft. Why do these choices need to be mutually exclusive? How do I find integration? I am desperately waiting for a sign...
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