The part that is frustrating is understanding that the trial was self-induced and self-inflicted, and ultimately self-resolved. This is both disturbing and hopeful.
It is disturbing to realize that I have created my own drama, and yet, hopeful, because I am ultimately able to get myself out of the situation I have created.
I have come to realize that the greatest evil in the world is fear. It is fear that drives us to make horrific choices and do horrific things. There is fear behind every xenophobic, homophobic, fundamentalist choice. "Phobic" literally means FEAR. Fear of lack, fear of change, fear of disappointment, fear of judgment drives us all from the richest to the poorest, both young and old, and all races.
I say this to say that the past several months that I have been struggling, have been driven completely by fear. I was afraid that I would not be able to bring in enough business to pay my bills. While I never thought that I would be destitute, I was worried about the ramifications for myself and my family. I spent untold hours working out scenarios in my mind about what I would do for every possible situation that presented itself. I spoke with friends, family, and even clients seeking advice. With every conversation, I was drawing more and more fear and panic into my life. I was working myself to exhaustion, eating poorly, and taking too little time for personal reflection.
Thanksgiving break was, to me, a chance to pull my energy back in. I have often counseled others that you must pour love into your self until it overflows for the benefit of all. If you just pour into everyone else without feeding yourself, you run out and have nothing left to give. I know this. I have said this repeatedly, yet it was exactly what I was doing.
The other lesson that I had to remember, was surrender to God. I have been so busy trying to manage the chaos, that I have told the Universe that I want chaos to manage. I was preventing the Universe from sending me solutions, and blinding myself to solutions. By pulling all of my energy back in, I was able to come up with a simple and creative solution, and even had an angel step in with assistance, and was from a source I had never considered.
Ironically, it was during this resolution, that I was speaking with a client who reminded me of all that I had known. She had also been undergoing trials, and finally learned surrender and focus on what you want. It was like God was speaking to me through her. All of this week, I have seen the hand of God in the blessings that I have received.
So, all of this leads me to the new question...what do I want? The answer right now is, I want a new house. I want a modest 2 bedroom home in Fort Myers, with a pool, garage, and room for my dogs. I want a place to call home. That is what is now receiving my attention.
Blessings to you all!
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