When I finally arrived home around 3 am, I gulped down water, stripped off my party attire, removed my makeup, brushed my teeth, and passed out.
Upon waking this morning, my head was pounding, so I woke long enough to down a few aspirin, gulp a few more bottles of water, then went back to sleep. I have spent the first day of my new year watching Netflix, sleeping, and trying to shake this malaise that has plagued me for a few months now.
As I was just laying in bed, listening to my partner gently snoring, I was overcome with a general feeling of hopelessness. What is life all about? What should I be doing? What is my next big GOAL?
I am tired of working every day to sustain a lifestyle I don't value and ultimately watching my life pass me by. I had hoped that some time away from my office would bring me some illumination, and yet, I have merely discovered that I derive my energy from others. When left alone, I am like a battery whose life has drained away. I need to be with people. I need parties and adventure and friends and connections with others.
I have pondered moving away, but I can hardly choose a better or more beautiful place to live. I have tried separating from my partner several times over the past year, but we always find our way back to one another. I have tried expanding my business, but that has become a much larger project that demands even more of my time. I suppose I just need a long trip alone. In the silence of the night, that is what I feel in my heart.
I am restless. I am bored. I am in need of something more. I feel myself slipping into despair? depression? anxiety? The thought of getting up, going to work, making money, paying bills in an endless cycle is stifling me. I fear that I am wasting my days and will wake one day to discover my youth, health, beauty and will have drained away until I embrace death as a way to escape the dullness of existence.
I realize my ramblings have taken a dark turn. I do not seek death. I seek a reason for life. I seek purpose. I am sick of the safety of routine. I do not fear the unknown or change. I seek a wise mentor who will counsel me and assure me that life is worth the endless inanity.
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