Feeling Rudderless

They say that home is where the heart is. I have recently chosen to be homeless.

I suppose that isn't exactly what I am. I live in a 5th wheel trailer, and have been able to move to a beautiful new location in the tropics. During this transition, though, I am moving back and forth between cities. It is difficult to accept my new location, because I am not finished in my old home.

I feel restless and unsettled. I cannot take my pup with me as I travel back and forth. My children are in different cities. My man is in my new location. My friends are in my old locations. My loyalties are torn.

I suppose it is because I wasn't quite ready to make the change. That isn't to say that I am unhappy with recent developments. On the contrary, I am thrilled that I am able to move into an area that I have wanted to be for many years. It is just that I have so many loose ends to tie up. I have been living in two cities, and I see it continuing for some time.

As I am writing this, I do recognize that the reason for this is because my mind has not yet accepted my new reality. I do understand that I am continuing this because I am not yet ready to walk away. I wish that I was, because it would make this so much simpler. I suspect that I will mosey down this path until continuing this situation becomes silly.


I wonder if part of my reluctance to move on is due to the fact that it is my lover's choice instead of mine. Our timetables were off a bit. I feel like I needed another year or two before moving on. This was so sudden and abrupt, that I had not had time to transition.

As we were driving around earlier today, I was trying to remember what I felt like when I first moved to SWFL from Charleston, SC. The difference was that I had been ready to leave Charleston. I planned it. I directed it. I made it happen. When I got to SWFL, I was eager and excited for a new opportunity. Now, though, I just feel like I didn't have enough time. I have business to wrap up. I have friends that I don't want to leave. I have a daughter that is in the process of growing up, and she is choosing not to join me in my new location. It is difficult for me to reconcile.

I know that I will make new friends. I know my old friends will remain in my life. I know that I will begin a new business. I know that I will be okay. I even know that I struggle because of my own internal conflict, and that I can resolve it in time. I don't know what it will take to resolve it, but I know that I will recognize it when it is time. Until then, I will just plug along, half in, and half out.

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