I Choose Me

It was Fall of 2011 and my second marriage was imploding. He was so angry and unhappy, and we rarely had sex. When I pushed him about it, he told me to get a boyfriend.

Here's a hint, ladies, when a man says that, he really doesn't mean it.
When I met my lover, he was young, exciting, passionate, tireless - all of the things that my husband was not any longer. We were just supposed to have a physical relationship, but we fell deeply and madly in love. I couldn't keep my hands off of him. He was like my own personal drug. There was no way to hide what we had, and I had to come clean and end things with my husband.

The thing is, he didn't want to divorce. He kept urging me to stay. He said, give it more time, and things will get better. All I could think about, though, was that I was 38 years old, and did I really want to spend another several unhappy years in a situation that was obviously unfulfilling to both of us. It took several months of pain and mental torture for both of us before we were finally able to part ways. My lover was with me the entire time.

In the ensuing 5+ years that the two of us have been together, we have lived an absolute roller coaster ride. He has been with me through so many trials. He has always come through for me. He is a tireless worker, always game for adventure, and an absolute insatiable lover. The one thing that never changed between us was our physical chemistry. Our passion was often destructive, certainly to my mental health, but we just kept coming back to each other.
He is a tireless worker, always game for adventure, and an absolute insatiable lover.
At this point, though, I find myself in the same position I was all of those years ago with my ex-husband. My partner and I just cannot come up with a common goal for the future. We come together, fight, fuck, make up, part ways, then return for more. God! I hate that I love him so damn much. It would be so much easier if I hated him. The problem is, we have run off course, and I'm afraid that our path forward is no longer entwined.

The vision that my man has for me is not compatible with what I have in mind for the future. I am in my prime earning years, and really need to focus on my future and retirement. I can no longer afford to fritter away what youth and time that I have left. I'm too old to be a housewife. I would never be one, if I could. For months, I have tried to find a sign that this move was the right one for me. Ironically, it was the best move ever for him. It just works. He has everything, including a job he loves and his boss loves and respects him, a place of his own, and even his best friend. The problem is, in order to join him, I would have to say goodbye to my city, my friends, my life, my daughter, and most importantly, my business. I have been prepared to do this, but it just feels wrong in my heart. If I learned any lesson over the trials of the past year, I know that when my heart is fighting me, and the path gets challenging, and you run after one roadblock after another, you're on the wrong road. I have come to realize, that the only real way forward, is to part ways.

It is time for me to suck in my resources. I need to build my financial stability while I still can. Frankly, I need to be selfish for the first time in my life. I can't consider the feelings of other people now because I am in such a precarious position. I have to get my life back on track.
I need to build my financial stability while I still can. Frankly, I need to be selfish for the first time in my life.
I'm writing this in the midst of our impending breakup. I won't publish it until we're through. I have rarely been happy on my own. I have always had a partner, or at the very least a few lovers. This time, though, I want to try something different. This time, I want to direct my energy inward and work on all the things inside that bring me back time and time again to a place where I choose the wrong decisions for my life. It's almost like I have to tear it all down just when I am on the verge of success.

This fucking hurts. It's not as bad as it was the first time, or the second time, or even third and fourth times that we split up. I suppose I have developed scar tissue. The dull ache is still there on my heart, though. Leaving him will be one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I'm still going to do it.

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