A Broken Heart Restored


It has been nearly a month since I last posted. In that time, so very much has occurred. I am afraid that my breakup threw me into a state of depression. I have been fortunate in my life to not struggle with it, but I was a bit worried. I had a few moments when I could feel a little voice in the back of my mind screaming at me to get up, get dressed, get to work! I spent an entire weekend laying in bed, and not because I had some great diversion with me. I found myself crying at arbitrary moments, then getting angry that I couldn't control myself.



With all of that said, though, I am so grateful for that voice screaming at me to get it together. I am thankful that I could experience this grief, recognize it for what it was, wallow in it, yet still pull myself back from the abyss. I know people who have not been able to do so.

During this time, I did have a few epiphanies. One of the biggest, and arguably the most consequential, was that I didn't have to suffer at all. My ex-boyfriend loved me, wanted me, we had an incredible chemistry, and he always came through for me. When it came right down to it, we broke up over bad timing, hormones, and miscommunication. I witnessed my friends attempting what passes for dating nowadays, and wondered what in the world we are all doing.
During this time, I did have a few epiphanies. One of the biggest, and arguably the most consequential, was that I didn't have to suffer at all.
Side note: it is my unprofessional observation that people are just screwed up right now. No one really seems to want to pair up. People hang out with friends, flirt with strangers, may or may not "hook up" with them, then just let it fizzle away. They collect several very casual partners to "sext" with or occasionally satisfy Nature's urges, but then go on their merry [single] way. All the while, they are complaining to each other that they just want to find love, and there are no good guys/girls out there.

Back to my previous paragraph, one of the things that well-meaning friends and relatives point out is how I could do "so much better." I could find someone with more education, more money, more sophistication, more... While that may be true, I can say that, of the few excursions I have had, and the many failed relationships I have witnessed, I am wondering if it is worth it to keep looking. When it comes right down to it, I had a great man. He loves me, he wants me, we have great sex, he never criticizes my appearance, he will show up if I needed him, and he would give me his last dollar if I asked. What in the hell else do I need?
When it comes right down to it, I had a great man. He loves me, he wants me, we have great sex, he never criticizes my appearance, he will show up if I needed him, and he would give me his last dollar if I asked. What in the hell else do I need?
So, when he texted me a couple of weeks ago to check in on me, I sucked up my pride, and told him exactly what was going on with me: I screwed up. I missed him. I wanted him. I needed him. If there was any way that we could fix it, I wanted to try. It was cathartic, and I felt the gloom of the previous six weeks just kind of melt away. We resolved to be brutally, uncomfortably honest about everything. I could no longer bite my tongue to keep the peace, and resent him when he didn't do what I wanted. He could no longer dismiss my concerns or try to placate me. I must admit, it was a bit scary to be under that spotlight. I am a lady that likes to hide behind euphemisms, evasion and innuendo. I knew when I started getting uncomfortable, that I was exactly where I needed to be: open and vulnerable with my man.

It has been about 3 weeks now. He is giving me the time I need to wrap up my business and personal interests here in Fort Myers. I am developing a plan where I can finally make the move to Key Largo, and not feel deeply conflicted about it. I don't mind not seeing him Tuesday - Thursday, because I know he is there, waiting for me, and I will be in his arms Friday - Monday. This deeply painful separation and reconciliation has ultimately been constructive. I do hope that, after tearing down everything, we can now build a life together, free from deceptions and self-protection.



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