My March Through Time

I have been hiding.

This move to the Keys has been life-transforming for me in both very positive and somewhat negative ways. I have been trying to just take it all in and discover what this all means for me.

I will admit, the election was upsetting to me, and I decided it was time to just unplug from it all. I suppose I just didn't have any fight left in me.

I remember when I was a little girl, one of my stepmothers had the Serenity Prayer on the wall. For those unfamiliar with it, it reads:
God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
the courage to change the things we can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Back then, this meant little to me. Now, though, it has been playing through my head on a running loop. I have spent the past couple of years trying to create change. I think I wanted change just for the sake of it. As a salesperson and business owner, you learn to fear peace. When things are quiet, you are trained to believe it is time to get out there and beat the bushes to scare up more sales. Quiet is a scary thing. I'm having to recondition myself now.

Since moving to the Keys, I have intentionally avoided tackling new projects. I have been afraid of starting something that may turn into something I do not want. I have spent hours at home, cooking, sleeping, drinking, and watching tv. I have done some exploring and tried out some of the new spots here. I find that I make a very good living at the local spa, and I only work part-time, so I have lots of down time. I really don't have many friends, yet, so I don't have anyone to call for happy hour. I have some budding friendships, but no immediate connections. My partner and I have fallen into a peaceful rhythm. I'm learning to be ok with silence.
I have let my blog sit fallow, because I think the election was the last dowsing of my flame of passion. For me, it isn't even about staying home to lick wounds and fight another day. No, I think it was when it finally hit home that what will be, will be.
Some years back, my priest gave a sermon and quoted Ecclesiastes 1: All Is Vanity:
1 The words of the Preacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem.
2 Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher,
    vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
3 What does man gain by all the toil
    at which he toils under the sun?
4 A generation goes, and a generation comes,
    but the earth remains forever.
5 The sun rises, and the sun goes down,
    and hastens to the place where it rises.
6 The wind blows to the south
    and goes around to the north;
around and around goes the wind,
    and on its circuits the wind returns.
7 All streams run to the sea,
    but the sea is not full;
to the place where the streams flow,
    there they flow again.
8 All things are full of weariness;
    a man cannot utter it;
the eye is not satisfied with seeing,
    nor the ear filled with hearing.
9 What has been is what will be,
    and what has been done is what will be done,
    and there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there a thing of which it is said,
    “See, this is new”?
It has been already
    in the ages before us.
11 There is no remembrance of former things,
    nor will there be any remembrance
of later things yet to be
    among those who come after.
How amusing that it has taken this election to finally make me understand what was being said. What will be, will be. I know that once upon a time, this feeling of giving up would have raised a backlash of fury in my blood. I would have lashed out and fought. Now, I'm done. I can't say that it feels like failure, as much as the march of time. I feel at peace. I feel as though I am absolved of any obligation to care. Civilizations come and go, and will continue long beyond my short life. I have given up even urging education for others, for it will make little difference. At 42, nearly 43, I am finally understanding something that I have heard for years. The wisdom of our elders has been there the whole time, but it is the folly of youth that we cannot recognize it until we are ready to receive it.

And so, like the lapping of the ocean upon my toes, buried in the sand, I will endure, we will endure, life will continue, and care not what I feel about the passing of time and the vanities of mankind.


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