What is remarkable, is how little I feel right now. I've truly been on the lookout for any feelings of remorse, regret, pain, anxiety. There has been nothing. The only thing that elicited an emotional response was my daughter's concern for me.
Perhaps, it is because I have not left yet. Perhaps, it is because we have broken up and reconciled more times than is fathomable. Perhaps, our Grand Passion has finally fizzled to a quiet meh.
I wonder what will happen over the next few weeks. I'll be moving into my little RV and taking my two pups. He'll get one. I have to find a place to move. Business is slowing with the end of season, so I have no idea what that will mean monetarily. I'll stay in the area if I can. If not, I'll move on. I'd rather not leave my job until I have no other option.
I wonder if he is sleeping on his houseboat. Perhaps, he is in my RV. He could be sleeping at his buddy's house. Maybe, he is at a new lover's house. I could get up and look. I could try to call him. I find that I'm not overly concerned, though.
Ironically, for the first time in over 20 years, I find myself with no lover waiting in the wings. I have some I could reach out to I'm other cities, but I think I finally need to learn what it is like to love myself.
I had a thought earlier tonight. My father has found love at 73. It's been over a year for them now, and he truly seems very happy with her. I had not met a woman with whom my dad was involved, in the past 30 years. I carry no illusions that he was single in all of that time, but there was no one that rose to the point of alerting the family. I suppose 3 divorces will do that to you. Then, seemingly out of the blue, he meets "The One."
My mom chose a different path. She fell madly for a man 20 years ago, after 10 years alone, and is still with him. They have had a tumultuous time of it. I've seen the good, bad, and ugly with them, and yet, they are still together and seem to still love each other.
In both cases, it took a period of just being alone to find a path forward. I no longer am raising young children. I have no house that requires upkeep. I can and do support myself financially. Hell, even sex does not fog my brain as it once did. I suppose it is time for me to go into hibernation for awhile.
I know I tried this back in Fort Myers before I moved here. I think I failed then because I had too many distractions. Here in Key Largo, I have very shallow roots. This is like a forced time out in Paradise, to allow me the soul-searching and reflection that has eluded me by living with such a psychically dominating personality. I suppose we have finally come to the end of our shared path, and he is as willing as I to part ways.
It is 1:25 am, and I have work in a few hours. I feel as though I can resume my sleep now. I will not be posting these musings until I have moved out. I don't want the input from well-wishers. Good night, for now.
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