How Did I Get Here?

The wind is making the vent on top of the 5th wheel knock against the roof. It woke me at 2 am. I keep trying to fall back to sleep, but then it knocks again. I tried to adjust it, but it won't close completely.

He is sleeping on the boat again. He let the dogs come to sleep with me last night, which is something he never does. I don't know if this is because he doesn't plan to sleep with me anymore, or to give me comfort. I love their warm little bodies pressed against me. They are great snuggle partners.

I've watched him texting with someone (just one?) for the past two days. I am mildly curious, mainly because I can judge my time left by his status with a new person. We have settled into a pleasant companionship. We even shared dinner last night. I am not going anywhere until I have my affairs in order, so there doesn't seem to be the need for fighting.

I've heard of situations like this, but I've never actually been the one in this particular position. I have realized that, though I will go, there is no need to rush out and potentially cause myself undue financial stress just because my ex-partner is having a midlife crisis and wants some strange. Business at work has dropped into a lull (season seems to be wrapping up) and I don't know what this is going to mean for my paycheck.

I have asked around to the ladies I work with if they know of any places I can park my RV that isn't ridiculously expensive. I have some leads, but again, there doesn't seem to be any rush. I'll see if I can't work something out. When I asked him about moving my things into the RV last night, he didn't seem to be in a huge hurry.

I also don't see me finding another man right away. I am tired of the tyranny of man. I am tired of the constant concern and awareness of doing something ​that may upset him and set him off on a tantrum. I'm tired of his poor timing when it comes to sex. I'm tired of his demands and selfishness. I'm just tired of sharing my mental space with someone that demands my attention, when all I want to do is relax with a book. I need time to heal, to regain my health, to just be.

I don't know when I will post these. Part of me wants to do it now, but I really don't need the misplaced advice and encouragement. I don't need the pressure of being "back on the market." This is still so new, but I also know that as long as we are cohabiting in some form, I am not truly free. Perhaps, when I'm ready to move out, I'll feel free to post these. In the meantime, I'm documenting my thoughts. I can say this for breakups, they are great for writing.

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