New Morning, New Reality

It is about an hour before I leave for work, and I am sitting at the kitchen table drinking my coffee. I woke alone this morning, and dressed for work. Since he slept away last night (presumably on the boat) I had to feed the dogs and take them out. He usually does this, but I suppose we have to rework our duties now.

He came in a bit ago, and spoke very little. He dressed and had his coffee. He has now left for work, and spoke not a word before walking out. That is a no-no between us, because you never know if that is the last time you will see each other, so you shouldn't leave it like that. Even when we have been angry over the years, we always say goodbye.

I am reminded of a quote from a book I read many years ago about zodiac signs. It said something to the effect of: with an Aries man, you should fear the fire much less than the ice. When they are ready to move on, their boredom will be unmistakable. I will have to look up the source and quote before I publish this post. I am fairly certain it was Suzanne White in Sun Signs. Anyway, I think we are both finally to that point. I can come up with endless transgressions he has made, and justify my behavior in return, but at the end of the day, what is the point?  He acts selfishly, I (as a Pisces woman) internalize it and refuse to call him on it, rather preferring to punish him in passive-aggressive ways. He is hurt and bewildered at my seeming moodiness. I am angry and sad at his thoughtlessness, and the cycle continues. He is who he is, and I am who I am. With Fire and Water, there is always an existential threat. Too much Fire causes the Water to evaporate, and too much Water extinguishes Fire. With just the right balance, there is plenty of sizzle. I guess we are beyond that now.

I just can't seem to feel the tears. I know that I could reach out and soothe him. I know I could acquiesce to his endless demands, and mollify him for awhile, and yet, I would only be staving off the inevitable for yet another temporary pass. That is how it has been for nearly 7 years between us. I am past the point of wanting "US." I am so damned tired of the hoops I must jump through to soothe the savage beast. I long for peace and quiet.

I wonder if it will be different when I actually leave. I wonder if I will need to leave the island. I wonder if I want to leave. I never wanted Key Largo, but it has grown on me. I could return to Big Pine Key, or even move on down to Key West. Jobs at resorts for massage therapists are plentiful. You can earn a very nice living. I wonder if it will hurt if (when) I see him with someone else. I wonder if I will lay awake at night and ache for him. I wonder if having my pups cuddling with me at night will help. I may have to leave the island. I can't be weak again. I can't run back when he calls. I have to learn to live alone. I have to find my voice that is so often drowned out by his.

Finally, it occurred to me several years ago, that I use my weight as protection. Knowing that I am an attractive woman, but a "big girl" helps me avoid the endless male attention. I still receive attention, but blessedly, it is not overwhelming. I know that this is some silly mental construct I have created, and I need to let it go. Perhaps age will do for me what weight has done so far. I want to have a couple of lovers to call if I have a need, but no one to take over my life. I have problems with self-protection, and I need to learn to establish (and hold) boundaries.

It is now time to leave for work. We'll see how things progress. This will be a true test of strength.

Update: 5/11/17 - We are still together. I went ahead and posted because I feel as though not posting has stifled my creative expression. I have been unable to write because I have not updated. I am rectifying that now.

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