Moving Day to Charleston

In a few short hours, I will pull out of Key Largo in my RV, towing my convertible behind me. My travel companions, Brutus and Honey Bunny will be the ones to keep me company and offer loving support. I am at peace with my decision. I am sad for what has finally come to a close, but I know it is long past time.

I know there will be very painful days to come. It will take all of my willpower to avoid stalking him on social media. As much as I want to know how he's doing, I don't know that I can bear seeing him move on. I can only pray that as time goes on, I will look less and less.

I do want him to be happy. That truly is all I have ever wanted for him. I have stayed far longer than I should have, because he tantalized me with hints of what could be. I was in love with his potential, and I only decided to leave when his desire for his future was a life in which I would not be willing to join him.

I'm not going to lie. Key Largo is beautiful, and my new friends at the resort were wonderful to me, but Keys Life is just not for me. I need a community, and everything here is so transient. I should never have left Fort Myers, but that chapter is closed to me right now. Perhaps, in time, I will be able to return to my friends there, but now is not that moment. I guess he and I just needed the final chapter to be written. I would not change the final 8 months that I have shared with him.

I have already submitted my licensing paperwork to SC, and have heard back from a couple of massage places. I am hoping that I can find something quickly, if only to keep me busy and making money. I plan to bury myself in work and rebuilding my life. I never intended to return to Charleston, so I have no real preconceived notions of what awaits me. I will try to allow her to unfold for me, and hope I can find love in my heart for her again. Right now, she represents challenge, struggle, heartbreak, family, and a sense of nostalgia.

Finally, I hope that in the months ahead, my heart will no longer ache like I ripped it from my chest. I hope that my nights will be peaceful, and not filled with loneliness. I hope that I can heal and honor the memory of the love that we shared, and not feel bitterness or anger. I cannot even fathom finding another partner for some time. I need to rediscover who "I" am underneath all of the years of shared history with all of the men I have shared time with.

Perhaps the logical conclusion on my Countdown to Freedom, is my personal strength to find myself. I know she is in there somewhere...

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