Uncomfortable Belly Jitters

For the first time since our relationship has come apart, I'm feeling a low level of anxiety. I know that it is just jitters because my life will soon be radically different than it is at this point.

I'm driving down to Key West today, because I have a couple of errands to run, and the knowledge that this may well be the last time I travel this road for potentially years, is something I feel keenly.

I have been blessed with a feeling of numb and purpose. I think that the drama between us is so long over, that we just need to make the final break. I believe that the anxiety that I am feeling right now has far more to do with fear of the unknown.

It's been many years since I was back home. I am not the same person that I was then. I know that when you are around family, you tend to fall into old patterns. It is my sincerest desire to pull in inward and focus on healing.

Even now, I feel my connection to him. I don't know what it is that holds us together. I have left so many lovers with little more than a thought. For whatever reason, we keep coming back together. The problem is, we never resolve our issues. Physical and emotional connection does not equal compatibility. What happens, when the sex is done? If there is nothing to bond us into the future, what happens when sex is no longer enough?

My friends have been asking me why I can't just stay in Florida. I honestly would love to, but it just doesn't seem feasible at this moment. I am also very aware that if I am ever going to exorcise this demon between us, I must move on. If I stay here, we will keep repeating the pattern that we have held for nearly seven years. I just can't do it anymore.

So, in just a few short days, I will leave Florida and return back home to South Carolina. I don't know how long I will be there. Maybe this will be an opportunity for complete renewal. I've been told things have changed significantly they are, but I still feel like I am revisiting my past and I can't say I'm happy with the feeling.

I guess I'm just feeling a little weak right now. Perhaps it's because I have time to ponder as I'm making this drive. I know that there will be lonely nights ahead of me. I can only hope that I can stay very busy setting up a new life in South Carolina.


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