It's a cold morning, and I am sitting at my desk, wrapped in a warm sweater. I feel like I have been on a long emotional and physical voyage, and am finally beginning to see land in the far distance.
When I parted from my long-term lover for the final time in June, I felt as though it was time to get away and reevaluate my life. I have a tendency to allow life to happen to me, and I enjoy the ride. My fertile imagination fills in the story line, and I willingly crawl through every rabbit hole that beckons. Occasionally, it ends abruptly. Sometimes, it meanders for awhile. Other times, I immediately fall and fall, until I am in a new land.
Since April, when I began to awaken to my precarious health and mental state, I decided to quit drinking and focus on my weight loss. In that time, I have lost nearly 70 pounds. Just in the time that I have been in Charleston, I have lost nearly 40 pounds.
Dating has been an emotional roller coaster. What started as an attempt to distract myself from the pain of a breakup, has turned into its own brand of insanity. I find that I have been so busy trying to figure out who wants me, how they want me, and scheduling time for each, that I have been avoiding any deep reflection on my life. I have one lover who looks amazing when you sit down and weigh the pros and cons, and yet, despite his words of love, there is a distance that I don't understand. I have another lover with whom I feel an intense emotional bond, and yet, he is not in a place to offer more than we have now. I have tried dating others, but I find it all so dissatisfying and frustrating. I can't even articulate what I want anymore.
I also am realizing that Charleston is not where I am going to make my fortune. The pay just isn't there, and I am really just bumping along financially right now. This is also adding to my emotional stress. I had never intended this to be a final destination, but I am not sure if it will be even a long-term destination at the rate I am going. I struggle with my vision right now, and my life is reflecting that. In holding space emotionally for a lover that may or may not ever be in my life long-term, I am becoming distracted from my obligations and purpose in life. Unfortunately, the simple answer of pulling away from him, is too painful to even consider.
I must remind myself that I am unbeholdened to anyone. I owe no one an explanation, a text, or even my attention. My children are grown and on their own, and I am unmarried. I own my RV, and my profession is one that I can do anywhere (except Charleston, apparently). I truly am free to explore as I will, but I refuse to detach. I am afraid that if I do detach, I will not love again. I suppose, I am beginning to realize that if I truly fall in love with my freedom, a conventional life with one partner will be gone.
Last night, I was out with a couple of friends. I had an absolutely wonderful time. Interestingly, I was unescorted. Just the day before, one of my lovers professed love for me, and yet, he could not join me last night, or even send me a message. When my favorite lover texted me, I was way too happy about it. My friends were amazed at how my face lit up with joy at his message. He did not come out, either, though. He didn't tell me where he was, nor did I ask. Instead, he sent me text messages sporadically through the night until the early morning hours.
It brings me no happiness to know that there are thousands of potential partners in the world. While sex is an imperative in my life, I crave that with one partner, not many. I want one partner with whom we reach an emotional and physical connection that transcends time, if only for a few moments. That level of intimacy is impossible with casual lovers and random hookups. Maybe, I am just getting too old. Yes, it is flattering to enjoy attention from strangers, but that will never get me the love that I desire. It is this desire that keeps me here for now.
I find that, oftentimes, I create my own drama in my mind. I wonder, were I able to cultivate the mindfulness that I espouse to others, if my life would be a bit calmer. I long for one, dedicated love, so I don't feel so unmoored and unstable. I recognize the crazy path I am following, and yet, I am unwilling to turn away. I see that goddamned white rabbit just ahead, and I can't help but follow him into Wonderland.
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