Painful Self Discovery


Since my breakup this summer, I have come to a realization about myself. I am an extremely confident and independent woman, when I know that somebody has claimed me as their own. When I feel like I have my one and only, I can go days and weeks living happily on my own, with little more than messages and phone calls. What I find intolerable, though, is the insecurity and games involved with dating.

When I think about the erratic ups and downs involved with my last relationship, I have often wondered why I stayed so long. I realize now, that I needed the security that came with it. Yes, it was crazy, and passionate, and unhealthy, but knowing that I had him, allowed me the ability to focus on other things.

Since I have been dating, I find I am in a constant state of insecurity and anxiety. It does not seem to matter to me how many men are interested, or how many dates I go on, or even how often I talk to them. I just can't seem to handle not having just one primary lover. What good is 10 different lovers to me, if there is no one next to me at night?

I know the rules. I know all of the stupid games. I know not to text too much. I know not to call. I know to let him pursue me. I know that often it's not even personal if he doesn't message as often as I would like. I know all of that, and yet it drives me crazy. I vacillate between wanting to withdraw completely, and wanting to throw myself in wholeheartedly. I overwhelm people with intensity, or ice them out with indifference. I feel like I'm going insane most days!

I also know that not just anyone will do. This strange magical alchemy that is love, does not work with just anyone. It doesn't matter how strategic or logical I try to be, logic is worthless when it comes to love. I know that I need to listen to my heart. If I feel despair, it's not right. I want a love that lifts my heart, not crush it. 

As a result of all of this emotional craziness, I have come to realize that I am still very damaged from my last relationship, and am not ready for this. I was reading an article this morning about taking a one year hiatus from dating and relationships to learn to be comfortable alone. I need to focus on my health, weight loss, business, writing, and most importantly, learning my value. It is too easy to fall into a new romance, and get swept up. I have allowed my life to drift for months while falling in and out of love. It is not healthy for me, and it is not fair to my lover. I'm not so sure that I can handle a year without a man, but maybe I can carve out some time for myself and focus on me. Wish me luck!

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