Wild Woman's Heart

There is a reason a woman is compared to the ocean. On the surface, she's open, inviting, beautiful. Below, is a world that is mysterious, deep, and full of danger. When calm, she is Heaven on Earth, but when it is stormy, she is treacherous.

Every boater has had an experience on the ocean, where they feel completely in control. They feel at one with nature, communing with her, feeling as though they have mastery, trusting that they will recognize the signs of danger and know when to escape. Then, one day, perhaps after years of navigating the seas, a sudden storm appears and you realize that you are powerless. You realize that you are just a speck of stardust on a vast and dangerous wilderness of water that can, at her whim, swallow you whole.

Some months back, I met a man. He was strong, handsome, and from a different place. He intrigued me. I enjoyed playing in his world, because it was so different than mine. I enjoyed flowing my malleable nature into his constraints, because it amused and fascinated me. He showed me things that I had not experienced before. The problem was that, he only accepted me on his terms, and in his time. His cautious and detached approach quelled the tempestuous nature of my heart, and kept me from inviting chaos. 

He commanded my attention. He demanded my  fidelity. He asked for my heart. Then, he left me to go on holiday overseas. He was gone for 3 weeks, with only casual contact.

For days, I stayed in, desperately quelling the building storm in my heart. I composed words for him. I watched movies. I stayed true. The days stretched further apart, with only minimal contact. I was desolate and alone, so I decided to distract myself with friends. It was in this time, that I met my match.

He caught my eye. It was sudden. It was immediate. I knew! He was no captain to navigate my depths. He was an ocean unto himself. Our natures blended perfectly, and I recognized him as my twin soul. He was a friend, playmate, and instant lover.

As with the ocean, though, each body of water has its own secrets. Though one may flow naturally into another, they each retain their own peculiarities. The Atlantic and the Pacific may meet and flow into one another, but across their expanse, are stark differences. We each have our own monsters lurking in our depths. We each have our vast territories that the other will never reach. It is a source of endless entertainment and frustration.

When my captain returned, my heart was torn. I felt as though I owed my former lover allegiance, but I was so powerfully drawn to my new lover. I would see both, drawing strength and joy out of each encounter. I felt betrayed by my first lover for leaving, then returning, expecting things would be the same. I felt hurt by my new lover, who wants me, but is not ready to claim me exclusively. I run myself ragged pleasing both. I have tried to end it with both, only to return. They know of one another, and are accepting of the other, as long as I continue seeing them both. I see both because they each want me for different reasons. My captain is comforting and safe. My twin is where my heart feels at home.

I feel lonely and restless tonight. The rain falling on my roof matches the storm in my soul. I long for peace, yet I know that peace may never come. Perhaps, I should drive out to the water and dance in the waves. Perhaps, I should throw my arms up to the sky and spin in circles, as the rain falls onto my body. Perhaps, I should just sleep, and dream of my captain and my twin soul.

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