Tactical Error? Yes, Tactical Error!

So, I let him back in. I didn't mean to. I texted him to tell him that a letter came to the house and he needed to change his address. I suppose on some level I knew he would take it as an invitation. It had been long enough that he probably would be looking for a way back. Maybe I was just horny. Maybe a part of me missed him. I will admit that I did miss him. Now, though, he is BACK.

I should have known I could not keep it light and easy. Not enough time has passed. We haven't had the time to try out others. We couldn't look back with rosy glasses, just yet. Nope, we went from having nothing to do with each other for a month, to him essentially taking over again.

The problem is, I have been apart from him long enough to enjoy my freedom. I have enjoyed a new level of creativity and productivity. Spared the incessant drama and complaints, I have gotten A LOT done. It's felt great.

The difference is that I now have no patience. For the longest time, when I was annoyed, I just bit my tongue and moved on. It wasn't important enough to fight about. I wanted to keep the peace. Now, I am finding that I am just angry. I hate when he moves my stuff. I hate when he watches stupid movies. He bitches when I'm talking to my friends. He wants to occupy ALL of my free time. He is now taking an afternoon nap at 7pm, and all I can think about is he won't be tired when I'm ready for bed by 10.

The question is why? Why did I give him the entrance he needed? Why did I not stop him? I certainly care for him, and without question, he is generous, helpful, loving, and a wonderful lover. Is that enough, though? Do I love him more than my freedom? Is this a phase?

Sadly, I see where this is heading. It is the same pattern we have carried for years now. Each time, the goodbyes get easier and the absences grow longer. Each time, I know it is for the last time. It definitely feels like it is over. Why, then, can I not just be done? What Karma links us? What need do we fill for one another? He is so unlike me that we cannot seem to find any common ground, except boating and sex. Beyond that, we irritate the hell out of each other. How many more times will we do this?

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