Countdown To Freedom

I have received a couple of questions about the circumstances of Heather's death. Heather was a military wife, and had a back injury. Since she and her husband lived on the base, the base hospital was more than happy to hand out opioids like candy. Over the course of the next couple of years, she became more and more addicted to pain medication, all under the supervision of the military hospital doctors. Finally, as a result of the many problems she was facing due to her prescription pill addiction, she just couldn't cope any longer.

I'm back from the holiday break, and have much on my mind. Rather, I have come to a place of peace. I have decided that I have done all I am capable of doing, and the rest is truly left to God. I have felt many things slipping away from me over the past few months. It is incredible that all of these changes that I have felt coming, have been coming to fruition. I am always one to look for meaning and a lesson in everything, and I think my lesson in this is to just relax. I cannot control everything, nor am I meant to do so.

When nothing is certain, everything is possible.   I have carried around a key chain with this saying for years. It has always been a source of hope for me for me. Lately, I have been thinking about this a lot. It appears that, yet again, nothing is certain in my life.

Sometimes you just need a good cry. I am, obviously, going through some massive life changes again. My daughter is graduating this year, and I am struggling to keep her on course. My home, that I have rented for the past 5 years, is now being sold and I must relocate. My business, which I expanded this Spring, is in desperate need of a cash injection. The wolves are circling, and I am trying to keep it together. Sometimes you just need a meltdown to refocus. I have felt the tears threatening as I'm driving home for the past few days now. So, that is what I did when I got home. I went to my room and I cried. Then, I poured myself a glass of wine, and I took a bath. The problem is, when I breakdown, everyone panics. Suddenly, the steady hand at the helm has wavered, and the crew freaks. Even my dogs are worried. By the time I emerged, feeling refreshed, the house was a ghost town. Why can't I lose it every now and again? Is this a testament to my strength or my inabil

Recently, I made up my mind to revisit my previous mission. Post-mission field analysis led me to hopelessness. As I feared, I had been out of the game for too long, devoted to one mission, and I had lost my edge. I began missing and craving the experience of my previous mission, so, in a moment of weakness, I responded to one of his memos.

I feel betrayed by my own brain. Is it the fate of women, sensitive people, aging, impending menopause, or an over-booked life that causes me to have a mini-crisis every week? Perhaps I am a reincarnated actress, and I feel the need to insert drama into my life daily. I certainly require my handler, er boyfriend, to impose a level of boundaries in my life to keep me from networking, socializing, partying and working 24/7. I seem to crave constant stimulation, and will keep going until I burnout. I know that I need balance, yet it always seems so frustratingly elusive!

Let me tell you a story. Many years ago, when I was still a girl in high school, I was sexually harassed. This is not a new story, since many of us are. While I was never raped, I was certainly encouraged strongly by budding hardcore salesmen. Usually, I was able to adeptly sidestep (or acquiesce) as I saw fit. I never felt cheapened by any encounter until one day. Ironically, it was to a young man with whom I had never even romantically considered.

Last night, I followed my best friend's advice, and moved back into my bedroom. More specifically, I stopped treating it as a place to sleep, and reclaimed it as my sanctuary. Since my on-again, off-again saga with my long-time boyfriend began in late Spring, I have been making plans to move into a smaller place, so I have actively avoided buying new furniture or fixing things up. This has caused me no end of drama, since I have not had a place to just relax. Ironically, it is my job to provide a peaceful place for others to relax, but my spa and wellness center just looks like work to me. :-)

I am so proud to announce that I successfully enjoyed an evening with friends and DID NOT DRINK!!!

One of the things I have enjoyed most about growing up is the women in my life. I think back on the friends I have had over the years, and I compare it to now. It is wonderful that as we grow older, much of the pettiness and drama of our youth seems to fall away. I love to lift up my friends and help them to grow and excel. When I meet a woman that still regards other women with hostility, I want to bring them into our circle of friends to show them there is another way. As much as I love the camaraderie of my girlfriends, I sometimes forget to reach out to them when I most need them. I was confronted with that lesson today. As those who follow my blog know, I have been struggling with many life changes, and trying to find my "center." I have been buried with work, distracted by my daughter's upcoming graduation, an on-again, off-again 5 year relationship, and trying to figure out my next steps in life. My home has become little more than the place I sleep, and

Well, I am on my third day of the purge / sobriety / plank challenge, and it's been a challenge! First, I cheated and had a Coke last night, as well as a few corn chips, but I was watching Katt Williams, and was in a good mood, so...there ya go!