Rediscovering my Inner Warrior

Last night, I met an old friend for dinner. I have known him for nearly 20 years. It was incredible to catch up and gossip about old times and old friends. After he had a couple of drinks, he unloaded on me with some hard truths that I really needed to hear.

He said that the woman he knew all of those years ago, was fierce, fearless, independent and unapologetic. He said that I have allowed my spirit to be subdued over these years with my ex husband, and now my ex boyfriend. He told me that he knows it will be painful and hard, but that I have to dig deep and find that "me" again. He then apologized. He didn't need to do so, though.

Somewhere along the way, I did lose me. I fell in love with strong, passionate men who decided that in order to keep me, they must subdue and tame me. Perhaps on some level, I agreed with them. If nothing else, perhaps I needed to try that persona on for myself.

I have donated nearly 14 years of my life to relationships that challenged me emotionally and psychically. I have grown, matured, become more thoughtful, and perhaps have lost a bit of my shine. The thing is, when I was living through that, I still felt the heartbeat of a warrior inside. I never felt weak or defeated. I just was more cautious about the battles that I would engage. Sometimes, it just isn't worth the fight.

I have struggled with my move back home. I did not want to return, but I knew I had to do this to finally break the cycle of going back and forth with my ex, as we have done for years now. I can still feel his fingerprints on my heart, but his grasp is lessening. I truly wish him all of the love in my heart, but it is now time for me to reclaim some of that love for me.

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In 2003, I embarked on a 10 day journey to Ireland on my own. I was a single lady, wholly unprepared for what was to follow. My plans and reality came crashing together, when I realized I did not plan out my trip as well as I had assumed. What was supposed to be a tour of Ireland, became a intimate portrait of life with the locals. 

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