Day 2 Apart From You
You're on my mind all the time now. You still haven't called me. I find that I justify that with the fact that you're leaving for Germany, and you're with all of your colleagues. I figure that you're probably just very busy. I rationalize that, as a German, you assume that I can take care of myself.
I don't know you well enough to know what the pattern is. I hope that after this two weeks of waiting for you, our passions will be inflamed, rather than cooled. I pray that you will want me as badly as I want you.
I hope that I'm not proven to be a fool waiting for a man who so obviously does not want me. Then I realized, what is two weeks of fidelity, anyway. In the grand scheme of things, if I have two more weeks to work on self-love and clarification, is that really such a bad thing? I have so many hopes for what you and I can be, but I wonder if that is the fantasy or the reality.
I have been thinking about the fact that for the duration of our time seeing one another, we are remarkably consistent. We get together every couple of days, go out and have a nice meal, and have passionate sex. That was enough for me when I was seeing other people. I did not have time to focus on the fact that you don't call as often as I would like. I go back and forth between whether I'm just being foolish, or if this is just an indication that you're not that into me, and I'm too stubborn to see that.
I do expect to hear from you. It will take every bit of willpower not to reach out to you like I want to. I know that when things calm down, I will hear from you again. I keep trying to justify to myself that, as a German, you expect that women can take care of themselves. I should be pleased by that. But, do you not feel some obligation to check on me?
I have read your message over and over about how we will feel each other when you come back. At first, I thought that it was just a language issue and you didn't mean what you were saying. Now, though, I think that there is not a direct translation, but you meant exactly what you said. We will feel each other when you get back. Perhaps, this time is exactly what we need to feel how we will be when we're apart. Maybe you require more validation that I am the one for you. Maybe I need more time to clarify my feelings.
The frustrating thing for me, is that I am so emotional and sensitive. When I have a narrative of love in my head, it will sustain me through anything. As long as I know in my heart and mind that I am loved, distance and time mean nothing. I know we're not there yet. I know you have to move at the pace that feels safe for you. I know that I have to learn my own discipline. And so, I will take this time to work on my own self-love and discipline. I will pray that you are safe and that I hear from you. I will work on obtaining my passport so that when the time comes, if we still want each other, we can travel together.
I can't say this yet, but I do love you. I love you in the new way, where I know that we have the foundation to build upon. I know that I could truly lose myself in you, if you allowed me. I hope that you're cautious nature does not rob me of my fantasies before we are able to build a fantasy together. I love you.