Day 5 Apart From You
I had a disturbing revelation the other day that I probably will not be able to send a receive messages from you for the duration of your absence. Perhaps, you're busy. Perhaps, you're with friends and family. Perhaps, you haven't realized that I haven't been responding. I hope that if you have actually sent me a message, you don't think that I'm just ignoring you.
Ever since the realization, and the fact that I haven't heard from you in a couple of days, I've been trying to stay strong. I am trusting in the fact that if we are meant to be, we will be. I have so many hopes for us, yet it is still so early. We have passionate words that we have shared. We've had multiple dates. We've had amazing sex. I think we have an excellent foundation, but it's still very soon.
I wish that my mind was not so traitorous. I wish that I did not have insecurities that creep out. I wish that you would just call. I can't even imagine what I'm going to feel like in two weeks, if I haven't spoken to you and all this time. Part of me realizes that a two-week hiatus is not a bad thing for us. It is also not a bad thing for me to not date for 2 weeks. I'm trying to quell the silly little voice in the back of my head telling me that you're probably fucking somebody and that I'm a fool for waiting for you.
I'm supposed to be starting my period in the next couple of days. It's probably just as well that you are not here. I wish to God that you were, though. I need regular contact to feel connected. I don't know that I'm going to be able to handle these kind of separations without how much more stable relationship on which to build. Am I just your play thing while you're here? Do you take me seriously? Will I be discarded like your women in other places? Am I just your Charleston thing?
I know that, at the end of the day, I'll be fine no matter what. My body is not going to shrivel up, and I'm not going to become any less enticing to people by being off the market for a couple of weeks. I am giving you this time. I'm taking a leap of faith, because I really do want you.