How do you know when it is time to make a move? I find that, often times, I want action and movement for the sake of action and movement. I get bored and restless when I have too much downtime. I find that I must do something just for the sake of movement.
This past year has been a test of my will and a lesson in mindfulness and meditation. When I desire something, I chase it with ultimate faith and abandon. Sometimes, though, the best course of action is to just let it be.
The challenge and ultimate wisdom comes in understanding when you must take action, and when to stay the course. I must remind myself to stay present in the moment.
If you have never read The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle, I highly recommend it. In it, he states that all we have is the moment that we are living. If we are dwelling in the past, we have depression. If we are living in the future, we have anxiety. All you ever have is the moment you are living now.
The challenge is that our minds cannot help but reminisce about the past and project out into the future. It makes no difference that the future, and your anxieties surrounding it, may never play out as you feared. The past, both good and bad, is over, and you can do nothing to change what has gone before. Reminiscing about what is done and experiencing regret and depression over it will only rob you of your present happiness. You must learn to live in your body and in the moment.
It has also been a supreme challenge for me to realize that I can be my own worst enemy and unconsciously sabotage myself. By way of example, I have been on a path to pay off all monthly obligations so I will be debt free. Some of this has been in preparation of potentially joining my man in his travels. More than anything, though, I’ve just wanted to find my freedom from the obligation of a regular job. This has been going along nicely, and I am within a month or so of being completely liberated.
What happened the other day, though, is that in overthinking my current challenges, I felt my old desire to run away creep in. I became enamored with the desire to buy a van and just live in it, blog, and drive around.
The problem is that, due to paying down all debt, I don’t have any savings put aside. I would need to finance a vehicle in order to make this happen at this point. I found that I was mentally justifying the purchase to myself. I did not want to discuss it with my boyfriend, or anyone else that I suspected would try to talk sense into me. I even went so far as to visit a car dealership and test drive a vehicle. Fortunately, I guess I have gotten to the point where I understand that if it just feels wrong, I shouldn’t do it. Better judgment prevailed, and I backed off.
Right now, I have been meditating on what urge this is, that is bubbling up, to sabotage my path, when I am so close to my goal. Why would I do something like this? I am happy to see that, perhaps due to age, experience, or even the influence of my practical and responsible German boyfriend, my restlessness did not overtake my sense. I admit, it is a daily challenge, but one that for the moment, and in this current battle, I have chosen wisely.