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81 Days Til Mozambique
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I have started counting down my days until I leave for the Peace Corps. In many ways, I have done all I can do, so it is a waiting game. I work. I write. I occasionally go on a date. I watch movies. I try to pay off bills. I am the kind of person that hates downtime. I seem to live perpetually in the future, so it takes a colossal effort for me to slow down and savor the moment. I do love to take nature walks, but I detest the cold, so I have been home-bound a bit for the last month.
Adult Dating Is Complicated
I had a recent romance that was a revelation to me. He was a wonderful man, and I will forever be grateful to have met him. Sadly, our paths were not to continue for long, but the time that we had was intense and wonderful. Since our brief interlude, I have had a few epiphanies. One, I am redoubled on my commitment to leaving for the Peace Corps. I have realized that I was wavering on my plan because I was infatuated with him. He did not ask me to stay, but he certainly welcomed my desire to stay with him. It was fascinating to see that almost as soon as we ended, the confusion dropped, and I was as clear as ever. It was almost as if I had awakened from some spell.
Pleasing Others Above Myself
Two, I have realized that I have always lived my life to please others. I have held onto desires for myself, but I was always willing to abandon them for love and commitments. That was admirable when I was raising children, but at this point, it is just foolish. If I am ever going to experience what I want to experience, I must do it now. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Three, dating gets quite complicated the older you get. I have many opinions about why that is, but essentially I think it comes to this: we all have a past, and we all have lived long enough to have a good idea of what we want. We are also old enough to recognize that there will be life afterward if things don’t work out. Four, I almost unthinkingly fell into a traditional gender role with him. It was frightening how naturally I just allowed his life to take over mine. Part of the reason was that he was running multiple businesses and was always busy, while I am wrapping up my life here, so my schedule is a bit more flexible. I found I was very willing to follow his lead. I have realized that it is a pattern that is almost ingrained in me, and it was scary how it was almost an intuitive move.
Ready For Change
Finally, I suppose I am just ready for a change. I want to be yanked from my comfort zone and be forced to adapt to a new life. I want to get out of my head and do something worthy. I want to leave everything behind and redefine all that I am. The time is soon, and I am ready.
I have lost just shy of 45 lb since the end of April on the ketosis diet. Obviously, with such rapid weight loss, your skin needs time to catch up. Since I am in my early forties, I did not expect that my skin was going to bounce back like it did when I was in my twenties. In an effort to minimize the issues that I may have as I continue to lose weight, I have been trying to be proactive about my skincare.
I have not been blogging about my Peace Corps experience for a bit. There were several reasons for this. The decision to join the Peace Corps and go to Mozambique has been a deeply personal one, that has elicited conflicting responses from friends and family. I would be lying if I said that I have not had second and third thoughts about this. I am leaving my life for 27 months, and at this point, I am down to the final stages.
"Oh, my back still hurts," Jim groaned as he sat on the bed and bent over to pick up his shoe. "Why don't you try a massage?" His wife asked. "My friend Carol swears massage is the only thing that can help her back pain." Jim sighed as he tied his shoe. "I suppose I have tried everything else. The chiropractor says my back is fine, just the muscles are tight. My doctor gave me muscle relaxants, which I don't like to take, and our insurance only covered four physical therapy visits. Massage can't hurt my back any more than it already does, I guess."
